Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
