i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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