I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
