I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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