Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
