so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
