Banned from zoo.
Again?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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