I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
