Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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