if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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