Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude. I can hear the air.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
