Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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