are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
