I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
