My girlfriend figured out who you are.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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