My friends, they love my intelligence
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
