i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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