We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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