if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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