I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
