And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
