I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Someone came in the potted fern
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
