I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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