you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
