She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
