His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
