woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
