OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i out mim tonsoeep
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
