You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
