Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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