Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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