I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
