and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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