i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
