Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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