My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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