he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
