I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
