i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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