i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
