So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize