Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
