There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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