I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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