you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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