then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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