i just sent this text using only my big toe
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
