I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
