i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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