Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
