It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
