Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
