My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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