He disabled his match.com account in front of me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
