I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm sobbing to NWA
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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