I'm going to jail i love you
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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