just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
