My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
