i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
