i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
